


Heartless

by fairgirl



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2019-06-29 09:29:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15726660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairgirl/pseuds/fairgirl
Summary: Always a slave, you built a wall around your heart to protect yourself but King Harald was about to change that....





	1. Chapter I

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys ! So this was usually meant to be a drabble for a tumblr challenge but I've decided to turn it into more.  
> Enjoy !

As long as you could remember, you've always been a slave. You were a servant for a Duke in Wessex when Vikings had raided the place and captured you, amongst many other girls.

 

From this moment, you were sold numerous times like a simple common object, going from house to house, master to master... Throughout all these years, you've learned a few things the first one being: _“You're no one”_. It was a sentence you had heard multiple times and you tended to believe it now. Few of your masters and their families called you by your name, you were just _“slave”_ or _“you”_ , even a beckoning of a head or a hand most of the time. You were there to serve and obey. Nothing more, nothing less... so that's what you did. Thoughts and feelings were not welcome so you erased them from your existence. They could insult you, humiliate you, beat you, rape you... you had no reaction anymore. You stood still like a statue until it was over. You had no name, no soul, no heart. Your body was completely disconnected from your mind.

 

And it helped you in some way. Your masters got tired of you pretty easily since you showed no reaction to their brutal beating or raping. So, after being sold or traded so many times, you had ended up with King Harald... who was different to say the least.

First, he had asked your name after buying you. Then, he had explained your chores and duties: you were assigned to be his personal slave and had to remain next to him most of the time to satisfy his demands and needs. You were even sleeping in a tiny room near his chamber !

 

At the beginning, you were on your guards assuming that he was trying to seduce you so that you would be willing to warm his bed but he never even tried to touch you inappropriately. He never raised his hand on you either. He didn't shout, didn't insult you, didn't starve you. But he talked. A lot. About everything: his lands, his wars, his brother, his love for a certain Ellisif who had deceived him, his desire to find a wife and have children. And you listened, trying not to care for this King who was kind to you. Harald's closest soldiers liked to tease him about the way he talked to you, calling you _“the old couple”_ ; a teasing to which the King smiled while you usually lowered your head, hiding yourself from their gazes.

 

Soon, Harald ordered a departure to Kattegat, claiming he had a mission to accomplish over there. Before boarding, the King approached you.

 

“Y/N, take care of my place while I'm gone, will you ?”

 

You bowed. “Yes, my King.”

 

And he did something utterly surprising. He stretched out his hand and softly touched your cheek. “Goodbye”. Then, he left.

 

You were so embarrassed you forgot to answer him. Feeling your cheeks burning up, you closely watched him and his boats shipping away from lands until they were just tiny dark points in the horizon. Shaking your head, you went back to your work trying not to read too much into his gesture.

 

But, as months went by, the promise was difficult to keep since you couldn't stop thinking about his kind gesture and your dreams were full of him. You couldn't help your mind from wandering, picturing him coming back from his mission, triumphant and smiling, coming close to you, kissing you in the sweetest way, claiming you were to become his Queen. Deep down, you knew it was frivolous and unreasonable to dream this way but it felt nice for once to have some dreams and hopes. So you kept dreaming and took care of his home until one day, you heard the horns announcing his return.

 

You eagerly ran to the shore to be the first in line to greet him. He came back smiling and triumphant just like you imagined he would...but he was not alone. A pretty dark-haired and blue-eyed woman was at his sides. In fact, he didn't even see you. You went back to his house and heard a feast was to be prepared to celebrate the King's return.

 

Mechanically executing your tasks, you blamed yourself for being so weak. You had fallen for his tricks and let your feelings show. The only thing he did was talking and silly as you were, you hoped for something else. Something very sharp was suddenly digging into your chest, leaving you almost breathless. You panicked. Whatever it was, you had to repel and fight it to get back to your old self again before the feast began. You tried to calm yourself and took a deep breath before finishing your chores.

 

Several hours later, you were ready: standing next to your King's throne, masking smile in place to greet him. You listened to the speech he gave to his people, announcing he wanted to become King of Norway with the girl, Astrid by his side without even flinching. You watched him leave to follow this Astrid and come back a few minutes later, still smiling. Only then did he acknowledge you and you froze. He was looking at you with a drunken smile. “Y/N! Didn't see you there ! Sorry I didn't have time to introduce you properly to the new Lady of the house. Hope I didn't hurt your feelings.”

 

“It's okay. I have no feelings left for you to hurt”. You could have slapped yourself. The comment was way out of line but Harald was so drunk he didn't notice. In fact, he laughed.

 

“Yes, Y/N the cold, Y/N the heartless....that's what your former master called you before I bought you.” He smiled. “Don't seem so heartless to me.” He touched your cheek and you gritted your teeth, waiting for him to remove his hand. He did not even notice your state and dropped his hand, changing the subject. “So tell me Y/N...what do you think of my future Queen ?”

 

You gulped, embarrassed. “This is not my place to comment on such a thing, my King.”

 

“I'm asking you to.” He replied, a warning in his tone.

 

You put your masking smile back on. “She is very pretty, my King”.

 

“She is, isn't she ? She will give me many wonderful children.”

 

“I'm sure she will, my King”

.

He smiled widely, pleased with himself. “You may go, Y/N. Better stay away from us, drunkards. I wouldn't want you to be ruined by one of them....or me.” He winked at you playfully.

 

The piercing knife was back in your chest and you tried to ignore it, bowing respectfully to your master. “Goodnight, my King.”

 

You almost ran away from the Hall and your hurried steps led you to the edge of the forest. The pain in your chest made you fall on your knees. The tears you had pushed away since his return were flowing, landing on your trembling hands, which were gripping the ground beneath in angry frustration. As heartless and cold as you were, the thought of seeing Harald marry another woman was killing you inside because....as heartless and cold as you were, you loved him.


	2. Chapter II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader tries to cope with the new situation and Harald's intriguing behavior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while guys and I'm sorry. Work has been pretty hectic. Thank you for all the kudos. Don't hesitate to leave a review, it always makes my heart swell.

The days that followed the King's return were troublesome to say the least. You didn't know how you coped with the situation but it looked like your brain managed to make you endure every day without a flinch. Every morning, you would make up, serve the king his first meal of the day , follow his every move, listen to him talking about Astrid, how she was the perfect candidate to become his wife and Queen; and watch him trying to woo her and coax her into marrying him. Then you would serve him dinner and go to bed after he dismissed you.

Nights were different: all alone in your small chamber, secluded with your thoughts, you couldn't help the tears from falling. You cried silently, tears incessantly rolling down your cheeks like a reminder of your bleeding heart. Nothing could stop them and the pain was so unbearable you even wondered if your heart was not bleeding for real.

Then the day would rise and you would start your little charade again. Surprisingly enough, when King Harald told you himself with a bright smile on his face that Astrid has agreed to marry him, you just smiled and congratulated him. Deep inside though, you were numb with pain. But who would care ? Not him. Not anyone. So you helped prepare the event with no complaint and were thankful that Harald trusted you enough with the preparations that he didn't make you attend the wedding so that everything would be ready after the ceremony. After Astrid became Queen, Harald ordered you to leave your chamber and sleep with the other slaves. It hurt you even more to leave him but at least, you wouldn't have to hear their love-making.

When you came into the barn and settled on your makeshift bed, you felt the resentful stares of the others thralls on you but you didn't mind. They couldn't hate you as much as you hated yourself for being so weak. You lay down and closed your eyes, falling into a restless sleep, full of nightmares where Harald and Astrid made you watch them getting married over and over again. When morning came, you were exhausted. It was the same the following night, and the night after, and the night after.... Your chores were a torture because you constantly felt so sleepy but you thought it was the perfect punishment for giving yourself the right to love.

 

“Are you feeling alright ?”

You turned your head and tried to spot the one that woke you from your dreamy state. A bubbly little redhead was smiling at you, waiting for your answer.

You smiled weakly. “Just tired, thank you .”

“Well who wouldn't ? It's quite hard to sleep in a room full of people when you're not used to it. You probably slept better with King Harald next to you.”

“I guess”. You shrugged your shoulders. If she believed that you had been warming the King's bed until Astrid came into the picture, you wouldn't deny her. But you didn't want to talk about him so you changed the subject. “I'm Y/N and you are... ?”

“Rae !” She answered with a charming smile. “I work in the kitchen.”

You knew that. Come to think of it, you had already seen here there multiple times but you never had the time to talk to her before.

“For how long have you been here ?”

She sighed. “My whole life. My mother was a slave and I was born as such. When she died, I took her place here. She taught me everything I know and King Harald is quite happy with my work”. She stated proudly. You felt sorry for her though; growing up being a slave and not even knowing the joys of life and freedom.

You heard some noises behind you and turned around. Some of the slaves were talking animatedly and glaring at you.

“Don't mind them”. Rae told you, following your gaze. “They're just jealous because you're special to King Harald.”

You frowned. “I'm not special. I'm just here to listen to what he says and serve him.” You answered, every word stabbing your heart painfully.

“Oh really ? Didn't you notice that you're the only one under the King's orders ? All of us get our orders from Astrid.”. She was right. You might be sleeping with the other thralls but the King still kept you close to him. You shrugged once again, trying to act nonchalant and not to read too much into it, even if you heart wanted to. “He is just used to me, that's all”. Then, Astrid came into the room, putting an end to your discussion. You left to go the King and get your chores for the day.

 

Rae was nice to be with. She was fun and always cheerful. Thanks to her, you could forget your stressful days and dreadful nights. Since Harald had joyously told you Astrid was with child, your nightmares had changed: the royal couple was having a nice moment with a beautiful baby and they were waking you watch, tied to a tree. Each night, it was the same dream and each night, you would make up in tears. Rae was a light sleeper so she heard you but it was easy to pretend you had nightmares considering your status. She wouldn't ask questions, just talking to you and lull you back to sleep. She was a nice distraction from your pain and misery. No, she was a _friend_.

 

Nonetheless, the two Ragnarssons who had arrived some time earlier were a nice distraction. Indeed, King Harald was so busy planning and talking tactics with Ivar to win Kattegat that he had no time to confide in you. Nevertheless, he was keeping you close to him....which was some sort of relief considering that Hvitserk was trying to corner you from the moment he laid eyes on you. That being said, you had noticed that some warriors of Harald were watching you as well. You found it very strange considering none of them had ever looked at you before... or maybe it was because you only had eyes for your master and had never really seen it before.  
Shaking your head, you made your way to the Great Hall. A feast had been organized in honor of the Frankish soldiers that joined Harald and Ivar's ranks. The room was already crowded when you stepped into it so you hurried to take your place next to the throne. The King and his Queen made their entry mere seconds later. You watched them and felt a slight pang in your chest. Harald's happiness hurt but it also pleased you to see him that way. He deserved it, even if it wasn't with you. You just prayed the Queen wouldn't betray him though....

Harald sat down and you immediately poured some mead in his cup before he even asked for it. You perfectly knew his habits and he didn't even need to give you any orders to know what you had to do. Throughout the meal, you served him obediently and desperately tried to ignore Hvitserk's stare on you. It made you really uneasy. He was very attractive and charming but he was not the one your heart longed for. At the end of the meal, Harald dismissed you. He acted as if he didn't want you to stay and warm the laps of his warriors or maybe he thought they would not be interested. In any case, you wouldn't complain about his choice. You had been raped enough for a lifetime.

You made your way to the slaves' quarters. When you reached it, you noticed that none of the others were there. _Good_. You were about to get rid of your dress when a hand gripped your arm while another was clamped over your mouth.

“Shh... don't scream. It's me.” _Hvitserk._ “Thought you would like the company”.

His hand left your mouth and he turned you around abruptly. His eyes were glazed due to his heavy drinking but you could see a dangerous spark in them: lust.

Fear possessed you. You knew what was coming and you had to close your mind before it happened. Hvitserk forcefully kissed you but you didn't respond. You never did so that they wouldn't try again. He pushed you backwards and you fell on the bed with the young Viking on top of you. You stared at a point above you, your mind already elsewhere. You didn't feel anything anymore. At some point, you just heard the ripping of a fabric and assumed it was your dress. You hoped he would be quick.

Suddenly, you heard someone clear their throat and you followed the sound with your eyes: King Harald.

Hvisterk immediately got off of you and you stood up from the bed, awkwardly trying to hide your upper body now that your dress was ruined. Harald seemed detached but you could see a gleam of anger in his eyes.

“What don't you understand in _'not this one'_ , young Hvitserk? Surely, if even one of my dumbest men can get it, I assume you can.”

Behind him, you heard a snort and realized Ivar was there too. He was watching the scene with an amused smile on his face.

Hvitserk shrugged, fastening his pants. “You're not having her, I just wanted the girl to have some fun”.

“Just because she doesn't warm my bed doesn't mean she should warm yours. I do not share what's mine.” Harald replied sharply. His ?

“Fine. She was boring anyway.” The young prince left, his younger brother following him.

Harald approached you and you cowered when he raised his hand. You were going to be punished. You knew he would blame this little act on you. But when his hand collided with your face, it was soft, almost like a caress.

“I'm not going to strike you. Hvitserk doesn't know how to keep it in his pants. I'm aware that he cornered you. Nonetheless...” His hand slid to your neck, caressing your throat. “I forbid you to be alone with Hvitserk or any other man for that matter. Understood ?”

You nodded your consent but he did not seem pleased because his hand lightly tightened on your skin. “I want to hear you say it.”

“Yes, King Harald”. At your words, he let got of you and turned around. “Fix your dress and go to bed.” Then he disappeared without waiting for an answer.

 

The day to leave for the battle came sooner than you thought. And curiously, you felt relieved to see them leave, almost happy. Your nightmares had become unbearable and you thought the situation could get better. Deep down though, you knew it was not enough. The would come back and picturing Queen Atrid round with Harald's future heir was tearing you apart. You wouldn't stand it and since your heart didn't want to cooperate with your mind, you had taken a decision. Once they would be gone, you would flee. When Harald was busy with the two princes, you had spent some time on the docks and elaborated a plan: before one of the merchants left, you would sneak into his boat and let the Gods decide of your fate. Death did not scare you, it seemed more acceptable than this constant ache in your chest. You had to be far away from Harald so that your wall could be up again and protect your silly heart. You knew nobody would pay attention to you since the King was the only one to give you some orders. The only in his absence was “take care of my home”. And you would until you could slip away...forever.

“Y/N?”

_Rae_. She was the only one you would miss but you were aware she wouldn't come with you. Besides, you didn't want her to get in trouble so you didn't tell her about your plans. You turned your eyes away from the pier and looked at her. She gave you a soft smile.

“King Harald is waiting for you in the Great Hall. He wants to talk to you before leaving.”

“Thank you, Rae”. You walked to the Great Hall and noticed once you were there that Baldwin was standing next to King Harald. Baldwin was his most loyal and faithful warrior, you wondered what he was doing here. When he spotted you, King Harald beckoned you closer.

“Y/N ! You know Baldwin, of course !” You acknowledged him with a shy nod. “He will stay with you during my absence. I can't leave you after the little incident with Hvitserk.”

_No._ You bit your bottom lip to prevent yourself from screaming. He didn't care so why would he change his mind now ? He looked at Baldwin.

“You know what you have to do. If anyone touches or hurts her, kill him.”. Baldwin nodded. “And if I find out you're the culprit, I will end your life with my own bare hands.” Baldwin nodded again as if his life hadn't just been threatened and he left the room, not even sparing you one tiny glance.

“King Harald, I don't really need all this. I mean, I'm not...”

The King shushed you, his calloused fingers softly touching your lips. “I would hate myself if my most valuable belonging got hurt....or lost”.

His words made you tense. _He couldn't...._ Ignoring your state, he looked at you with his piercing blue eyes.

“Freedom is such an underrated thing for people who've always known it. But it's so alluring, so endearing for the people who've lost it, or never knew it to begin with. This feeling of liberty is so unique. Who could be blamed for wanting it ? The matter is once freedom is granted what becomes of the friends we left behind ? What would happen to them ?”

_He knew._ And the threat was pretty clear. You breath had become erratic and Harald's fingers slid down to your bosom which was rising quite rapidly. “Not so heartless, are you ?” He asked mockingly. “I assume I'll see you when I get back, then ?”

You took a deep breath, attempting to calm yourself. “Yes, King Harald.”

“Perfect”. He turned and was about to leave when his eyes looked at you again and he smiled mischievously. “By the way, _'My King'_ sounds much better to my ears.”

He finally left and you shivered. Silent tears were rolling down your cheeks. From sadness ? Anger ? Pain ? You couldn't tell. The only thing you were sure of was that you hated the King for all the things he made you feel.


	3. Chapter III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while but work has been pretty difficult and I had trouble organizing this chapter. Enjoy !

Baldwin was a nuisance. Since Harald left, he followed you everywhere and never let out of his sight. He watched you do your chores all day and walked you to the slaves' barn at night.

One night, you had thought you could escape for a little stroll under the stars but were disappointed to see him waiting for you outside. You couldn't even breathe when he was training because he made you sit and watch silently. But today, he was so engrossed in his fighting that he didn't see you leave and go to your favorite place: the pier. The wind was gently blowing and for once, you felt a little bit of freedom.

This situation was beyond ridiculous anyway. You wouldn't leave. You couldn't leave. Reading into Harald's speech was not that difficult. He had clearly threatened Rae's life in case you would leave. And you perfectly knew it was a serious threat. Even if he was kind to you, Harald was well-known for his violence. He would kill her and you couldn't let that happen to your sweet and caring Rae.

Once again, you cursed yourself. You were not supposed to get attached to Rae or the King. You were not supposed to get attached to anyone ! Had it happened elsewhere, you would have left with no second thoughts. Nobody had cared about you before and you hadn't cared about anyone either. What you thought to be a great opportunity here was now a nightmare. Those stupid feelings were killing you inside. If only you could rip your heart out of your chest, you would with no hesitation. If only you could...

“Well, well, well....if it isn't the King's special thrall.”

One of the thralls who had glared at you in the barn was standing next to you. You were so enthralled in your own thoughts, you didn't hear her approaching you. She had a nasty smirk on her face and looked ready to kill.

“You think you're so important, do you ? But he will get rid of you just like he got rid of me, just like he got rid of any other thrall who warmed his bed.”

You just shrugged your shoulders. “I'm sure he will...but isn't that purpose of being a slave ? We're just mere objects between their hands and when they have enough, they forget you and taste a new one. I know what I am.”

She narrowed her eyes. She was obviously not happy what what you had just told her. “And you think you're better than me for thinking that ?”

Once again, you shrugged. “I'm just more realistic, that's all. I'm aware about my status and I'm not the one being bitter about it.”

She scowled. “I think you should watch your mouth. Who knows what could happen now that the King is not here to protect you.”

“But I am.”

You both turned around. Baldwin was watching you with a stern look. He turned to the other thrall.

“King Harald was very clear about what would happen to anyone trying to hurt her so I suggest you go back to your chores. Don't forget your place, thrall.”

She left with no complaints but you were certain she was not done with you. When she was out of sight, Baldwin roughly grabbed your neck and pulled you against him.

“What were you thinking ? Didn't I make myself clear enough ? You are not to leave my sight. Ever.”

He tightened his grip. You felt a sharp pain but you didn't flinch. Never showing pain was your mantra.

“She could have hurt you and what would have I said to King Harald ? Hmm ? You'd better not do that again or your little friend will be history. Got it?”

You feebly nodded and he let go of you.

“Now, I'm going to walk you to the Great Hall and watch you do your chores. Then, I will go back to training and you will follow me. In any case, you will leave my side.”

He pushed you in front of him. “Come on, you made me lose enough time already.”

You went through Vestfolk with Baldwin hovering behind you until you reached the Great Hall.

When you entered the room, he simply sat down, still eying you with a dark stare. As usual, you ignored him and started your chores.

You didn't know for how long you've been at it when he suddenly asked you a question. “Did you mean it?”

“Mean what ?” You answered without ceasing your task.

“The fact that you were just an object and that the King will get rid of you very soon.”

That made you stop. He apparently heard a lot of your conversation earlier. “Well...isn't that true ?” You didn't want to tell much because he would probably tell the King.

“It may be so for most of the thralls but for you... I don't know, you seem to be quite special to him.”

Special. You hated that word so much. You were not special to him and it angered you that people assumed the contrary... just like you had done before. You let out a deep sigh.

“I'm not special. He will sell me as soon as I'm not useful to him anymore. He won't need me to listen to him when he has a family of his own.”

Baldwin snorted. “You truly believe his story with Astrid will end up in a good way ? She will betray him. In fact, maybe she already did.”

That was interesting. “She would betray him?”

He rolled his eyes. “How do you think Lagertha discovered the little attack we were planing ? She probably sent a messenger or something.... I'm sure of it.”

“Does the King know about it ?” You were aware that these kind of questions were out of place for you but you couldn't stop yourself.

“I'm sure he suspects something.” He stated somberly. “The King is very complicated as far as women are concerned. I told him it was not a good idea to force someone to marry him, especially when this someone's heart is already taken. She could never really be on his side.”

That made your heart clench. Harald was so intent of making a family that he was ready to face a potential betrayal from his wife. Or maybe he truly did love her.

“You won't repeat what I said, of course ?” He asked, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

“Repeat what to who ?” And you really had no intent to reveal anything. It was not your place to spread gossip.

“I get why Harald finds you so interesting. I've never seen so much loyalty from a simple thrall. If I didn't know better, I would even think you're in love with him.”

Your heart hammered wildly in your chest, painfully reminding you that it was there but your voice was void of any emotion when you replied.

“I'm not able to love anyone.”

He didn't have the time to comment. Horns announced the return of the King. Your desire to flee came back on full force. You didn't want to face him and his pregnant wife. Unfortunately, Baldwin ordered you to follow him.

A huge crowd was gathered on the pier and, from the joyful faces of the warriors and shieldmaidens who got off the ship, you could guess they had won their battle.

Harald finally appeared and you held your breath. He seemed tired and his hair was shorter. You sadly realized he had finally found the love of his life and cut his hair off for her. Looking into his eyes, you sensed something was wrong. Very wrong.

Something was wrong indeed. During the feast that night, the King announced his wife and heir-to-be had been killed on the battlefield, such as his brother. You watched him all night as he heavily drank, a smile on his face. But your heart clenched for him because you knew the same was fake. It was the same smile you had given him the night he came back with Astrid. He was suffering and you couldn't bear it. You silently stood next to him though, just as you had to.

After some time, he finally rose from his seat to call it a night. To your utter surprise, he gripped your skirt and pulled you closer.

“You're going back to your room.” He whispered in your ear, causing a shiver to roll down your spine. “Follow me.”

You let him lead the way to his room but he was so inebriated you ended up assisting him to his chamber. His strong musky scent filling your nostrils was pure agony. You desperately wanted to touch him and it was a torture to refrain yourself from doing so.

When you reached his room, Harald fell on his bed and you heard him snore immediately. You gently took off his boots and managed to tuck him under the furs. Casting one last glance to his peaceful face, you went to the tiny room next to his. Exhausted, you took off your clothes and went to bed in your under dress. The quietness made you feel good and you fell asleep instantly.

A cry jolted you awake in the middle of the night. At first, you thought Vestfold was under attack but you realized the noises were coming from the King's chamber. In fact, the cries were coming from the King himself.

Hesitantly, you got up and tiptoed to his room. What you saw broke your heart; Harald was trashing and moaning in his bed. He shouted again and you got closer. He was sweating furiously and seemed as if he was in pain.

Tentatively, you knelt down next to his bed and put a hand on his face. You stroked his skin, softly shushing in your attempts to calm him down. It took some time but he finally relaxed. You kept appeasing him with your caresses until he was softly snoring. Then, you decided to go back to sleep.

Nonetheless, when your hand left his cheek, his own hand grabbed your wrist. You gasped, surprised and anxious. He was probably going to punish you for your audacity. But his eyes were soft when they looked at you and his voice almost pleading when he whispered a gentle: “Stay.”


	4. Chapter IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait. I hope it will be worth it.
> 
> Warnings: rape, mild violence, suicidal thoughts.

_Stay._ The single word was ringing in your head. One single word that scared and tempted you at the same time. Clearly, he had decided to use his power over you and asked of you what you had thought he never would. But his eyes seemed to implore you to stay, they were almost hopeful. A curious thought crossed your mind.

“Sir, I'm not Queen Astrid.” You said softly, trying to release your wrist from his grip.

Harald did not let go. “I know who you are Y/N.” He tugged on your arm. “Lie down next to me.”

It sounded like an order this time, reminding you of your status. You breathed shakily and nervously moistened your dry lips with your tongue. You could do this. You had already done it so much....only this time it was deceiving. He was just like your other masters after all.

You took a few hesitant steps and lay down on the bed, both scared and excited. The moment your body touched the furs, the King let go of you. You waited, waited...tense and almost shaking. It never came. He had fallen asleep.

Your purpose was pretty clear by then; he needed a presence next to him to sleep. You were here to listen, to fill a gap.... certainly not to be touched or loved. _Never forget it._ You finally allowed yourself to relax when he started snoring again. The furs were comfortable and you felt so tired, you fell asleep instantly.

Those were your nights with King Harald, sleeping side by side without touching each other. He obviously slept better but the nightmares did not stop entirely. He would often wake up screaming or kept trashing and moaning. You would calm him down, caressing his face or murmuring soothing words and he would go back to sleep.

Something was bothering him though. You knew it, you could feel it. He had to get rid of it or his nights would remain troubled. He needed to talk to someone about it and this time, he seemed to consider he could not confess anything to you. Even to you. In the meantime, he lost himself in this idea of overpowering Ivar for not honoring his promise. He wanted Kattegat at all costs. So, he kept planning attacks and at nights, drowned his pain in alcohol.

But alcohol would not help him. You sighed as Harald was gulping his fifth cup of ale.

“The King seems upset these days, don't you think ?”

You turned your eyes away from Harald to look at Rae who was frowning at you.

“He is. He must be thinking about Queen Astrid.” _Among other things._

She eyed you up and down. “You look tired. The King is keeping you awake ?”

She smiled knowingly. You wished you could tell her the reasons why you were looking so tired: the King's nightmares constantly waking you up or maybe it was the fact that you did not manage to fall into a deep sleep because he was so close to you. But you couldn't tell her so you smiled weakly. Let her believe what she wanted to.

“Yes, he is.”

A concerned frown appeared on her face again. Thankfully, she did not have the time to question you. Baldwin put an end to your discussion and Rae fled quickly. That was your turn to frown. Was she scared of Baldwin ? Did he hurt her ?

“The King is asking for you. He wishes to go to bed.” He told you bluntly with an annoying smirk on his face. Everyone appeared to believe you and the King were having wild nights !

You ignored him and rose up to take King Harald to bed. As usual these days, he was a bit tipsy. Tipsy meant touchy-feely. Touchy-feely meant you were embarrassed and even more clumsy then ever.

When the both you were finally lying down, you let out a discreet sighed of relief. He would fall asleep very soon and your usual “wild nights” would begin.

“I killed my brother.”

That was unusual. You gulped and your eyes widened. You finally got what was bothering him.

“I see him every night in my nightmares, again and again. He was one of the only persons I loved and I killed him.”

His voice was shaking. You knew there were probably tears as well even if you could not see them.

“He chose Björn over me, everyone has always chosen someone else over me. Ellisif, my brother, Astrid... the only persons I've loved in my whole life and they betrayed me.”

Tears were silently rolling down your cheeks, mirroring your King's sorrow and bitterness.

“And now....I'm all alone. Neither loving, nor being loved.”

 _I love you_ , your heart screamed but your ignored him. You inhaled deeply and chased your tears away with a flick of your hand. You couldn't fall apart. Not here. Not now.

Harald turned on his side and arranged your body so that you were facing him. His hand on your hip was burning. More even so when his thumb began stroking you. His mesmerizing blue eyes were staring at you, full of pain and despair. You did your best to remain untouched by it, playing the perfect passive thrall.

“I regret killing him. Deeply. I miss him so much.” His grip on your hip tightened and he closed his eyes in pain. “The Gods are punishing me for what I did.”

That made you talk. “You were in a battle. Your brother was on the other side, he was the enemy. You did what you had to do.”

He opened his eyes abruptly. “Don't lie to please me.”

“I'm not lying, my King.” Saying it, you realized it was true.

“Do you think Lagertha killed my wife for the same reason ?”

You frowned. “She did ?” You did not remember him mentioning Lagertha was the one to end his wife's life.

“Astrid was a great shieldmaiden, only the woman who taught her everything would be able to do it.”

He had a point. But did Lagertha do it or did Astrid welcome death willingly ? After all, Baldwin had told you she might have betrayed Harald.

“I probably loved her more than she did but it did not matter. It felt nice to have someone next to me to reign over Vestfolk, someone to love, someone to have in bed with me at night, someone to have sex with.”

His tone chaned through his speech, turning hoarse and seductive. You felt scared....and excited.

“Don't you agree ?”

“Yes, my King.” You nodded. “I suppose it must be nice.”

“What do you mean by 'I suppose' ? You've never loved anyone ?”

You could have slapped yourself, realizing you had said too much. Now, you had no choice but to answer his questions.

“Well I... I've almost always been a servant, a slave, a thrall. Our purpose is not to love or be loved. We are here to serve, obey and be used.” All the words came out of your mouth in a casual way so that he would not ask more and let it go. He did not.

“You've never been willing for anything, haven't you ? Sex ? Touch ? Not even a kiss ?”

“No, my King.” You replied, maintaining an unaffected tone.

The was he was looking at you made you feel ill-at-ease. _Drop the subject, drop the subject._

“Would you be willing to try and kiss me ?” His eyes, his mesmerizing eyes...

 _Say no, say no._ “Yes, I would.” You replied softly, cursing your heart for winning this battle against your brain.

The King moistened his lips and leaned over you. You shivered in anticipation, you heart was hammering in your chest. He pulled you nearer and you put your arms against hist chest.

When his lips finally touched yours, you swore you heart stopped beating for a second. His kiss was so soft, you did not know such tenderness could exist. The tip of his tongue gently touched your bottom lip, coaxing you into opening your mouth....which you gladly did. Your tongues danced with each other, even if Harald took the lead.....as if he was teaching you how to kiss. You had never felt this way. For the first time, it was pleasurable.

Harald let his hand slide on your body to grip your ass and pulled you even closer. The bulge in his pants was more than palpable but for once, it was not frightening. Your arms were still against his chest. You did not dare touching him without his permission, even though you were dying to. Lost in your own pleasure, you let out a tiny moan to which he grunted in response.

Soon, too soon, your lips parted. Your chest was rapidly rising, your breath was erratic. That was some kiss !

“Was it pleasurable ?” Your king asked, his hoarse voice making you shiver again.

You nodded. “Yes, my King.”

He smiled. A real smile that reached his eyes. “I guess you don't kiss too bad, Y/N the heartless.”

His lips grazed yours one last time before he turned around and immediately fell asleep.

You lay on your back , eyes wide opened, your contented heart beating softly. Deep down though, you knew it would not last.

He did not mention the kiss after that. You kept sleeping next to him but he was offering you his back. There was no talking, no touching. It was obvious to conclude he regretted what he did. Yet, you could have sworn you had seen him watching you, or your lips, when you were looking for him.

But maybe it was just your imagination or your deepest heart's desire. How ironical it was that the only man whose touched you've ever longed for was the one refusing to do so. Your brain was ready for this rejection. Your heart, not so much.

From then on, each day was difficult to live. Harald lost himself in his plot against Ivar and departed for England, leaving you with Baldwin again. Apart from the jealous thrall, Ardith, glaring at you from a reasonable distance, nothing important took place.

Harald came back, defeated this time but more determined than ever. A new son of Ragnar, Magnus was with him. The King took him under his wing. Another Ragnarsson was here, Bjorn Ironside. And there was this shield maiden, Gunnhild. Harald couldn't keep his eyes off her. You knew this stare too much. Maybe she would be the right one this time, maybe you would be free very soon.

Your heart was suffering at this idea but you knew it would be best for your sanity. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

In the mean time, you felt numb. The will to cry had deserted you, you only wished to sleep and forget.

Another night, another feast. Standing next to your king, you served him blindly, waiting for him to call it a night. He was looking intently at his new love interest and Bjorn interacting.

“Y/N, go to bed. There are some things I need to do.”

A dismissal. Again. “Yes, my King. Good night”. You bowed respectfully and left the Great Hall with a heavy heart.

He was going to ask Gunnhild to be his queen and she would be crazy not to accept. Then, he would sell you. You would probably go back to a new violent master. It was not scary. You body could bear what your heart was not able to.

Lost in your own thoughts, you did not hear or see the three shadows behind you. A hand was put over your mouth and someone threw you over his shoulder. Panicking, you tried to fight back and received a huge blow on your head for doing so.

“Do not make a sound or you will regret it.” Another one said in your ear. To prove his point, he pressed a knife on your skin. You stopped every motion and let yourself be carried away.

They walked into the woods and when they decided they were far enough, you were roughly dropped on the floor. Your back hit the ground, leaving you breathless for a moment. You managed to sit up and stared at your attackers. Three male thralls you had already doing the outdoor works.

“What to do with you ?” You recognized the one who had threatened you earlier. A huge dark-haired man with golden skin.

“What do you mean ? We know what we have to do: get rid of her.”

“Yeah. She said, get rid of the body but she did not tell anything about not having fun with it before.” He was watching with a raw hunger in his eyes. “You promised we would get something since you're the only one to have your cock sucked on a daily basis.”

Who was this 'she'? And why did she want to get rid of you ?

“Fine, you can have her before we kill her.”

“We ?” The third one, slender and tall, exclaimed. “Your bitch asked for this. You kill her.”

“All right, but you don't touch her then.”

“Wanna bet ?”

That was your chance to escape. Distracted by their argument, they forgot about you. You silently stood up and slowly stepped away but a branch you stepped on creak and the three men turned their heads towards you.

Desperate, you tried to run away from them but they managed to catch up with you pretty fast. Your hair was pulled and you were thrown on the ground. The huge thrall fell on you and spread your legs forcefully.

“Did you really think you could escape ?” He used his knife to rip your dress and exposed your skin to the cool air of the night.

The slender one suddenly appeared next to you and brutally kneaded your breasts while his playmate unbuckled himself and thrusted into you without warning.

It hurt. Your inner instinct was telling you to scream, fight but you did not. You were used to this type of assaults. You just had to wait until it was over and close your mind.

Nonetheless, your lack of reaction seemed to annoy them. They started hitting you repeatedly. You did not scream there either. You were used to this as well and endured it, blow after blow until you tasted blood in your mouth. You felt attacked everywhere but no sound came out of your mouth. If only they could knock you out before killing you. You would welcome death gladly. Death was the solution, it was your long awaited release.

No chores, no threats, no rape, no beatings, no Harald, no broken heart. You would be freed from everything. Finally.

You felt a sharp pain in your ribs, then nothing. He had probably used his knife to stab you. You were floating, your heart beat was weakening, tears were rolling down your face but you felt a smile stretching your lips.

You were seeing them now, his mesmerizing blue eyes that you loved so much were gently looking at you. You could leave peacefully. You last thought was for your sweet Rae, praying that she would not be hurt when Harald would realize you were missing. Then, you fell into darkness.

 


	5. Chapter V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harald and the reader's relationship makes some progress after her attack. But troubles are ahead....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real warning for this chapter my lovelies, except for some fluff and angst.

You were in Hell. You always thought you would go to Heaven. Your late mother always said so, even when you stole some of the sweet treats she was making for the family...or when you were being a naughty girl by chasing the hens, giggling and screaming instead of feeding them. She used to call you her little devil then but you always were her sweet and angelic little girl.

Angelic little girls did not feel like that though. God had probably abandoned you because you were living sinfully among the Northmen. But whose fault was it ? Certainly not yours ! God had left you between their hands and was making you pay for the price.

All your body was in pain. Soon, the flames of Hell would consume you but until then, it was pure torture. Your side was burning, you head felt like it could explode any time. You felt sore everywhere. Something was definitely not right.

Some hand touched your forehead out of a sudden and you whined, trying to escape the contact.

“Shh, calm down.” A sweet voice comforted you. “Everything's fine.”

_No_. Your mother could not be here with you. Not in Hell. She was the sweetest human being you had ever known in your life. If only you could....

“That's right. Open those eyes for me.” The voice was becoming clearer to your ears. It was not your mother.

You slowly and painfully opened your eyes and was instantly blinded by the light. There, in the middle of the light was Rae. Sweet Rae. You were not in Hell. It was worse. You were....

“Alive ! She's alive and awake.” The excited voice of Rae interrupted your thoughts. “Come quick ! She's awake !”

The sweet girl was holding your hand, sitting next to you on a bed. You heard slow and heavy footsteps on the other side of the room. Your eyes followed the sound. The old Healer of Vestfolk, the King's personal healer was here as well. She leaned over your body and poked every inch of it. You winced under her medical touch when she palpated the wound on your ribs, reminding yourself that all your body was suffering right now.

“The wound is healing fine. There is no fever”. She added, softly touching your forehead. “You are out of danger. Any pain?”

“Everywhere.” You whispered weakly, still unable to accept the fact that you had survived all of this. She handed you some angelica root to chew. It felt sweet under your tongue.

“It should help you sleep and lessen the pain...and prevent you from getting with child.”

Like you would want that !

The old healer waited until you were done and stepped backwards. “I have things to do but I'll be back. I'll warn the King”. She turned to Rae. “You stay with her, girl.”

Rae nodded enthusiastically and watched her disappear. When she was out of sight, the young cook turned her bright and teary eyes towards you.

“I am so happy you are fine.”You gave her a weak smile in response.

“I wish I could have been faster though.”

You frowned at that. “What do you mean ?”

She seemed embarrassed, almost guilty. “I saw you leaving the Great Hall and those three men going after you. I was worried. I sensed they were planning something bad. I went after them and saw them attack you. I didn't think, I just followed you until they stopped and threw you in the middle of the forest. Finally, I ran back to the King. I should have gone back sooner or screamed or...”

You put your hand on hers. “It's alright. I'm safe, aren't I ?” Even if you did not really want to be....but it was not her fault. She always had your best interests at heart. You smiled softly and she smiled back.

“I guess...so I alerted the King. He took some of his men with him and I led them to you.” Her voice started trembling. “When we arrived, you were lifeless on the ground with those men over you.”

Her eyes widened, her lips quivered, she was reliving it and seemed really upset. You squeezed her hand.

“The King saw red. He did not need any help and killed them all on the spot. I had never seen him so enraged and oh....it was Ardith !” She suddenly exclaimed.

“Who ?”

“Ardith, the slave who was always glaring at you. Harald made her confess. She planned everything.”

So, Ardith was the famous _“she”_ the three men were talking about. What people could do out of jealousy...

“She was hanged a few days ago.” Rae added nonchalantly. You frowned. _A few days...._

“I was unconscious for a few days?”

You felt lost. Why on Earth would the King take care of a useless thrall like you ? Putting you in the hands of his personal healer ? In his own bed, even...you realized as you finally noticed your surroundings. You were in his personal chamber, in his very own bed. Why ?

There was an explanation. The perfect explanation. Your heart knew it....but your brain refused to go there. Not again.

Rae suddenly let go of you and stood up in a hurry. The King was here....

“Leave us.” His hoarse voice ordered Rae, who bowed and ran away, bumping into Baldwin who was silently guarding the room.

Harald smiled. “Gave the little cook quite a scare in almost dying”.

He approached the bed and sat down next to you. The way he was looking at you so intently was embarrassing to say the least. “How are you feeling ?”

You cleared your throat and tried to sit up straight even if your whole body was protesting. “Well I'm in pain but I'll live.”

“Oh, you will.” He said, determined. His eyes bore into yours, as if he was trying to read your soul. “Did you defend yourself ?”

You frowned. “I don't understand....”

“When those thralls attacked you, did you defend yourself or did you let them beat and grope you they way they wanted....like with Prince Hvitserk ?”

What would be the point anyways ? “I'm a thrall, they can take whatever they want to....I'm used to it.”

“They were thralls too, you know.” The King replied. “Next time something like that happens, I want you to fight back. No matter who it is....even me. You're not willing, you fight back.”

“Thralls don't fight back.” You regretted your words instantly. You disrespected your owner when he was taking care of you. King Harald did not seem affected though. A small smile even appeared on his face.

“ _You do_. That's an order. Are we clear ?” You nodded. You had no other choice...

Satisfied, the King took one of your hand in his and turned it over to kiss your palm softly, sending butterflies in your stomach.

Raising his head, he playfully winked at you, let got of your hand and stood up to leave.

There was one question burning the tip of your tongue, though. “If I may, my King....why did you save me ? Why am I here in your bed, healed and taken care of ? I am...”

“Mine.” He cut you off, his hoarse voice echoing in the room, sending shivers in every part of your body. “You are mine and I already told you, I don't want to see my most valuable belonging getting hurt....or lost. But I've learned my lesson, I'm never letting you out of my sight again.”

 

And he did not. During the time of your recovery, you were constantly guarded by Baldwin...who really seemed annoyed by it. The King stayed with you at night and visited you several times during the day just to check if you were fine. He also allowed Rae to stay with you. She proved herself to be a cheerful distraction to your dark and bothered thoughts, gossiping like an old lady.

She told you about Bjorn and Gunnhild getting married. You heart couldn't help but jump with joy at that. She also told you that they would be soon ready to leave for Kattegat where they would meet other forces to overthrow Ivar the Boneless.

The King was determined to take you with him this time. You tried to reason with him. Why would a thrall do over there ? You would be a dead weight. He would not hear any of it. He needed Baldwin at his sides and he refused to let you in other hands.

So you joined them on their long journey after giving your sweet Rae a big and fierce hug to say goodbye. The journey on the ship was a nightmare. You constantly felt nauseous and had to remain almost motionless so that it would not get worse...Luckily, good and sunny days were with you so you did not have to endure the cold or....a storm.

King Harald kept you near him when he was not talking strategy with Bjorn and his newest wife. You would silently sit or stand next to him, patiently waiting for him to send you to bed...

A bed you shared, of course. You were tense to say the least....even if your heart loved that. That damned treacherous heart of yours would be your undoing. You tried and tried to fight against it but the King's little gestures towards you were ruining your sanity. He was leading your heart to believe something could happen between the two of you but you knew it would not happen. It never did.

 

They finally reached the shores near Kattegat. Everything happened very fast, then. The camp was set up, the armies met and they were getting ready to fight. Harald was training Magnus and the young boy was doing his best to satisfy him. Their relationship made you smile. The King seemed to have found a son figure in Magnus and it did him some good.

In the meantime, you tried your best to make yourself useful: cooking the meals for Harald and his men, keeping the King's tent clean. But the King did not leave you out of his sight like he promised and you were not allowed to wander alone. Was the King scared for your life or just afraid you would escape ? Only he could say....

The first confrontation was deadly. The armies came back with fewer men and a lot of injured ones. Harald was alive and well...but Magnus was not. You knew it hit the King hard even though he did not show it and lost himself to find a new way to defeat the Boneless. There were none...until you saw Queen Freydis enter then commanders' tent then leave it, a satisfied smile on her face.

At first, you were anxious but the faces of Harald and Hvitserk comforted you when you saw them. They seemed relieved even though you could see some sadness in their eyes. Prince Hvitserk seemed to have worries of his own. He appeared to be less cheerful and reckless than when you had first met him. Something had happened between him and Ivar, bad enough to make himself an ally of his enemies.

The King slowly came towards you and led you in a secluded place, out of earshot. You did not have time to talk with him since he was back from the first battle and you felt the need to comfort him.

“I'm sorry for Magnus, my King.”

Harald turned his eyes away from you and let out a deep sigh of sadness. “He proved himself to the Gods before leaving. He made me proud.”

Your heart clenched and you hugged yourself nervously to prevent yourself from touching the King.

“I should never have brought you here. Ivar is more threatening that we could have imagined.” He turned his head to look at you this time. “We might have found a loophole but we're not sure it would work. Besides, I don't entirely trust Queen Freydis....women and their treacherous ways.” He added with a sad smile.

He raised a hand and touched your cheek. “I wanted to protect you from any harm but I stupidly led you to it. If something happens to me, I don't want you to fall into Ivar's hands. Who knows what he could do to you?”

It could not be worse than all the things you've been through before...and at least, you would not fall in love with him.

King Harald suddenly handed you a heavy pouch whose coins inside chimed when it hit your palm. You looked at him, utterly lost.

“We leave at dawn. If I'm not back when the sun is high in the sky, you hide and leave. This gold will help you. I know you will manage.”

Panic rose in your chest. You had not thought about that before but what if the King was not to make it out alive.

“My King, I'm certain nothing will happen to you.” You said, more for yourself than for him.

His thumb caressed your cheek. “You can never be sure. Better safe than sorry, don't you think ?”

“I guess....”

 

You could not sleep that night. The pack of coins was hidden under your pillow. The wheels of your mind were wildly whirling. The King might not come back from this battle. He wanted you to escape. He gave you gold. To escape. To gain your freedom.

Did he realize that you could take the decision to leave before it was over ? Was it a test or did the King trust you that blindly ? And did you really want to leave ? Yes..... _No._

A groan of frustration escaped your mouth and the King turned in his sleep, giving you a clear view of his peaceful face. Your heart almost purred at the sight and tears rolled down your cheeks. Could you leave this man behind ?

You still did not have the answer the following morning when you helped the King getting ready. You did not sleep one bit, your head was hurting, your wound was hurting.

You watched the King closely. How could he look so serene when you wanted to cry and scream ? Maybe you were seeing each other for the last time. Your eyes fell on his lips and you looked at them with envy. Just this once. Just to say goodbye.

“Just do what you want to do, Y/N the Heartless.”

You did not hear him come near you. His breath was tickling your mouth. “You'll just have to make the first move.”

Your breath quickened at his words. Slowly, your lips touched his lips. His scent, the tenderness of his kisses...it was just like last time.

Growing bold, you threw your arms around his neck and pressed your body against his. The kiss was intensifying, your tongues met, you kissed passionately, desperately....until you had to break the kiss to breathe.

You looked at each other, both breathless. Trying to compose yourself, you took a few steps back.

“May the Gods be with you, my King.”

Harald chuckled. “I'm sure they will be after a kiss like this one.”

You both sensed some movement near you. Baldwin. “It's time to go.”

Harald leaned over you to graze his lips over yours one last time before leaving.

Soon enough, the place was deserted. You entered the tent, sitting on the bed you were sharing with the King. Your hand retrieved the bag of coins under the pillow and you pensively stared at it. Your freedom was right in front of you, between your hands. Your brain was screaming at you to take the gold and go. But your heart....

You heart wanted to stay here, hoping your King would return safe and sound. And your treacherous heart won. _Again._ So you sat on the bed, your bag of gold in your hands, waiting for the sun to rise high in the sky.


End file.
